*About Are You
Still Kidding Me?*
Ever finish your kid's homework? Netflix
cheat on your husband? Try to explain Alexa to your mother?
If so, you’re not alone—Stacey Gustafson’s back
at it again with Are You Still Kidding Me? In this
hilarious and heartwarming sequel to her #1 Amazon bestseller Are You Kidding Me? My Life with an
Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives. Gustafson
tackles the foibles of modern family life—from toddlers and teens to empty
nesters—with wry wit and plenty of humor.
Grab a cup of coffee, ease into the easy
chair, and be prepared to laugh out loud along with Gustafson—she may not be
your new best friend, but you’ll feel like she is by the time you’ve finished
these forty-five stories of family life, written by a mother who’s seen it all.
Excerpt
I Netflix Cheated on My Husband
I tried ways to end my deception, but nothing worked. To
protect my indiscretion, I routinely deleted my Internet browser history,
shredded phone bills and swore my friends to secrecy. I Netflix cheated on my
husband.
How did this begin you
ask? I blame it on the old-fashioned dinner-and-a-movie routine. Our choices
had boiled down to The Lego Batman Movie
and Fifty Shades Darker. Why were we
wasting our money on this crap? So, we traded a night out for a night in.
It
all started so innocently.
Cable television options
are limitless. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, HBO Now, the list goes on. No need
to go to the theater when you can indulge in more than fifty hours, or five
seasons of thirteen episodes. Intriguing shows like Shooter, Stranger Things,
Dexter, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and House of Cards sucked us in faster than a fur ball to a Dust
Buster.
Netflix,
where’ve you been my whole life?
We clicked through cable
channels and realized we’d only scraped the surface of the Netflix barrel.
On Saturday night, we
trolled the channels and found The
Killing, a crime drama based in Seattle, featuring homicide detective Sarah
Linden and her sidekick, Holder. It had more red herrings than a fish farm, and
we were addicted by the first hour.
“Man, this is good,” I
said, after three episodes. “One more.”
“No can do,” said my
husband, shaking his head. “Got to get up early.”
“Come on,” I said,
batting my eyelashes. “Please.”
“Fine, one more. But
that’s it.”
Season
One, Episode Four, here we come.
By Sunday evening, we
squeezed in Episodes Five and Six.
“Got to call it quits
now,” he said, rubbing his eyes and giving me a glassy stare. “Up for work by
six.”
“Okay,” I said,
fidgeting on the sofa. “I’m going stay up a little and read. Night.”
“No cheating. We agreed
to watch this together.”
Think
again, sucker.
The
glow of the television beckoned. What would it hurt? I slammed shut The Girl on the Train and clicked on
Episode Seven. I snuggled into my soft throw blanket, popped a can of Coke and
let the drama begin. Heck, I’d rewatch it the next time we were together. He’d
never know. But I knew I’d crossed the line.
I had become a Netflix cheater.
After he left for work
the next day, I thought, “What would it hurt to take a little peek?”
Bam, hooked again, and I
binged-watched five more episodes.
Around 6:00 PM, I texted
him, “What time you coming home for dinner?”
“Thirty minutes.”
Oh crap, he’ll be here soon.
“Can you pick up some
milk and…um…um…pimentos?”
He’ll be searching for hours.
I needed to buy some
time to finish Season One. I couldn’t stand not knowing what was happening.
Would they catch the real killer? What’s that new evidence they keep talking
about?
Suddenly, I detected the
slow hum of the garage door. How the hell
did he find the damn pimentos that fast? With a loud bang, the door clanged
shut on the concrete floor. I hit “off” on the remote.
He strolled into the
room, and his green eyes scrutinized the screen.
“Were you watching The Killing?”
“No way. We promised to
watch together.”
“Where did we leave off
anyway?” he said, trying to trip me up with probing questions. He clicked on
the three-way light on the end table next to me.
“Hey, turn that off,” I
said, holding a hand to cover my eyes. “So bright.”
What is this Guantanamo?
“Well?” he asked again.
“I think it’s the one
where they discover that kid in the teacher’s apartment,” I said, wiping my
sweaty hands on my pants.
“Wrong.”
“Um, I’m not sure,” I
said, as I leaned in and heard the distinct drip of the kitchen faucet. My
armpits sweated more than a hot flash.
“Did you watch more
episodes?” he said, eyebrows pinched together, as he squeezed in between the
arm of the sofa and my body until our thighs touched. “You can trust me. I
won’t get mad.”
“Fine,” I blurted out. “I
couldn’t help it. I Netflix cheated.”
Seriously, dude, you’ve been out of town so much I had to get my fix.
“Why?”
“I’m sorry,” I said,
staring down at my feet. “It’s just so good. Never planned it to go this far.”
“Promise not to watch
anymore?” he said, cocking his head to one side.
I vowed to keep my
promise, turned on the television and started scrolling for something else to
watch. We’d considered binging on Shooter
after watching the previews on Netflix, a drama series based on a former
military sniper called back into action to prevent a plot to kill the
President.
But when I clicked on
it, I noticed that the red bar underneath, the one that indicated if it had
been recently viewed, had disappeared.
What?! Holy cow, he’s Netflix cheated on me!
I
lost all sense of remorse and settled in for hours of binging on Shooter. Two can play this game.
*Find the Book*
Are
You Still Kidding Me? is 99 cents now through September 30th!
*About Stacey Gustafson*
Amazon best-selling author
Stacey Gustafson is a guest speaker, humor columnist, and blogger who has
experienced the horrors of being trapped inside a pair of SPANX. Her blog, Are You Kidding Me? is based on her
suburban family and everyday life. Her short stories have appeared in Chicken Soup for the Soul and seven
books in the Not Your Mother's Book
series. Her work appears in Midlife
Boulevard, Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop, ZestNow, More.com, Pleasanton Patch,
Lost in Suburbia, Better After 50 and on her daughter's bulletin
board.
She writes about parenting and daily
frustrations like her dislike of the laundry, self-checkout lanes, public
restrooms, Brussels sprouts, roundabouts, and being middle-aged. Her book, Are You Kidding Me? My Life With an Extremely
Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives, released Sept. 2014.
To learn more, visit:
*Giveaway Link*
